Man-scaping, Junk Wrangling and the Frog Man Stance

*Caution, this post has some slightly graphic references to man-scaping and junk wrangling.

This post is going to make me sound like an old bat winged woman with cat eye glasses and a button down shirt. Thankfully, none of that has happened to me, yet. But when it does, please don’t hesitate to tell me so. **

From as far back as I can remember, that goes all the way back to when color was grainy and all of the people on our television were orange, older men have randomly stopped in their tracks and done the ‘frog man stance.’

I’ve been observing this so long that these men are my age now. Let me describe it and then I’ll give you my ideas about how this unfortunate pose comes about.

Conger up an image off a portly middle aged man. He is walking along when suddenly, he stops, widens his stance, turns his knees out and does a little squat. As he comes out of this squat, he is generally seen hitching his pants up, elbows out, thumbs in. This gentleman continues walking, unaware of his display.

The first thing that explains this behavior is that somewhere around age 30, men freeze their waste size. Their bellys expand but they insist on the same size waste. They my put new notches in their belts but the pants stay the same, just lowered beneath their American signs of success. Add to this that their butts don’t expand and you have the perfect storm for the ‘frog man stance.’

In the 80’s and 90’s there was an historical shift in men’s comfort. This led to what is commonly referred to as relaxed fit jeans. For the first time in years, doctors could stop advising men to let the guys out to jangle if they wanted babies.* But this comfort was a perfect set up for ‘the stance.’ After wearing tight clothes during high school and college, I can appreciate why a fellow would resist going back to pants that fit, comfy is comfy. But, relaxed fit is not a good look on any guy, in my opinion.

In the 90s and 00s a style of pants called ‘baggy’ were all the rage as a sort of social statement. This fashion is a bit beyond my understanding. I get that it is a salute to brothers in prison who can’t have belts. With all due fear and respect for those who are locked up or locked down, I have to tell the fellows on the outside that you really can’t see them to appreciate their efforts. This type of fashion has a belt involved these days but the belt rides down in back sort of cupping the lower buttocks. What I don’t understand it where this belt anchors in the front. I can imagine a sort of package hugging series of man hooks but then if I click around the idea of man-scaping and where to attach the front of the belt remains a mystery. For now, I’ll leave this subject of suspension and make a not to put an r rating on this post. *

For those of us who are awestricken by fashion and lost in understanding the social implications I have news.

While I was researching the causes of the ‘frog man stance,’ I ran across a few websites that tell these men how to make their baggies and relaxed fits into snugger fitting pants. Yes, there is hope out there. If only there was a cure for the combination ‘gotta count the pocket change – frog man stance.’

**One final note, for men who are wearing ill fitting pants because of illness, I am sorry, this post is for entertainment but not at your expense and I wish you new found health!
***If you are a bat winged woman in cat eye glasses and a button down shirt, I am sorry about everything I said.

Thank you for dropping by and come back on Wednesday to see the Writerly Wednesday Guest.  Until then – I suppose I need to head off to a witness protection program.