Welcome to Fiction Friday – A Simple Scene
Using less than 250 words I am giving you a setting, characters and a hint that something is wrong. Please leave comments.
Where are the characters hanging out?
Who are they?
What are they doing?
What is the mood of the scene?
You are welcome leave comments. Let me know where it unravels, where you become lost or what just doesn’t work for you. You may even use your comment space to suggest edits or even re-write the scene.
A Simple Scene
“Has anybody seen Maggie?” Georgia unshouldered her backpack. It slid down her leg and thudded at her feet.
Mark stared dumbly and shrugged an ‘I don’t know’ before turning back to his gadget.
“How ‘bout you, Nate? Linda?” Georgia slid down the wall and came to a sitting crouch next to her pack. “Damn it. What is the first rule?”
“Always leave a note on the board.” Mark said in a tired monotone still working at the jumble of wires with tweezers and a small melting machine that looked like the offspring of a glue gun and soldering iron.
“Why do we always need to leave a note?” Georgia was ramping up to a lecture. She waited for the next response.
The library remained silent.
“Come on Georgia, we aren’t children.” Linda said as she gathered her pack. “I’ll look for her while I’m on watch, but I don’t think she left. At least not for ‘out there.’”
“I think she went up to the Historical room. I don’t know what she does, but it keeps her from going bat shit.” Nate said from the meeting room. “I’ve got some food from the back room of the Café up the street. I suspect we’ll all feel better if we eat something.”
“I’ll go up and check on Maggie if you’ll please go eat something.”
Georgia stood up and retrieved her pack. “Come on Mike, take a break, let’s see what Nate scrounged up for us.”
***
If I Should Die and Milk Carton People by Sally Franklin Christie are available at your favorite book-seller in print and e-formats for your favorite e-reader.
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Comments
4 responses to “Fiction Friday – A Simple Scene”
Here is a second Draft.. still under 250 words but I think it is stiffer…
A Simple Scene
“Where’s Maggie?” Georgia unshouldered her backpack and let it drop at her feet.
Mark stared dumbly and shrugged an ‘I don’t know.’ Georgia crouched next to her pack and sighed. “Damn it. What is the first rule?”
“Always leave a note on the board.” Mark said in a tired monotone still working on the mother board with tweezers and a gadget that looked like the offspring of a glue gun and soldering iron.
“Why do we always need to leave a note?” Georgia was ramping up to a lecture. She waited for the next response.
Linda gathered her pack and walked toward the door. “I’ll look for her while I’m on watch, but I don’t think she left. At least not for ‘out there.’”
“She went up to the Historical room. I don’t know what she does, but it keeps her from going bat shit.” Nate stood just inside the meeting room that had become the group’s kitchen. “I’ve got some food from the back room of the old Cowboy Cafe. I suspect we’ll all feel better if we eat something other than trail mix.”
Georgia’s knees popped as she stood to full height.
“I’ll go up and check on Maggie if you’ll please go eat something.” Nate ushered them grandly toward the makeshift kitchen as he headed toward the stairway leading to the History Room.
They’re in a library, but it’s a dystopic future-library. They have to be “on guard” and no one goes “out there” without leaving a note telling the others about it. And the narrator brought food from “the back room” of the cafe.
I thought you set the scene nicely. It worked for me.
Thanks for the comments.
I am in no way defending the post. I wrote it on the fly, pausing at the end for punctuation and spelling.
The part of the scene I am wanting to re-work is …
“How ‘bout you, Nate? Linda?” Georgia LEANED AGAINST THE WALL BEFORE {DELETE slid} SLIDING down {DELETE the wall} and {DELETE came} COMING to a sitting crouch next to her pack. “Damn it. What is the first rule?”
When I was writing it I could see the movement and feel the heavy pack and the tired woman. I didn’t want to say she went into a sit squat using the wall to keep her from collapsing on the cheap dirty carpet.
Your suggestions are great. I’d like to get back to this and incorperate your notes into a re-write. I’ll have to get in here before Wednesday and do this.
I’ll send you an email when I edit so you can come back and check my work again.
Thanks!
Sally
Intriguing entrance but some lax words needed some pop. Plus I hate the overuse of “said” – my bad.
“Has anybody seen Maggie?” Georgia unshouldered her backpack. It (DELETE slid down her leg – POOR IMAGE, SEEMS LIKE A SNAKE) scuttled over her butt and DROPPED TO THE FLOOR WHERE IT thudded at her feet.
Mark stared dumbly and shrugged an ‘I don’t know’ before turning back to his gadget.
“How ‘bout you, Nate? Linda?” Georgia LEANED AGAINST THE WALL BEFORE {DELETE slid} SLIDING down {DELETE the wall} and {DELETE came} COMING to a sitting crouch next to her pack. “Damn it. What is the first rule?”
“Always leave a note on the board.” Mark said in a {DELETE tired} WELL REHEARSED monotone WHILE still working at the jumble of wires with tweezers and USING a small melting machine that looked like the offspring of a glue gun and soldering iron.
“Why do we always need to leave a note?” Georgia was ramping up to a lecture. She waited for the next response.
The library remained silent.
“Come on Georgia, we aren’t children.” Linda {DELETE said as she} gathered her pack. “I’ll look for her while I’m on watch, but I don’t think she left. At least not for ‘out there.’”
“I think she went up to the Historical room. I don’t know what she does, but it keeps her from going bat shit.” Nate {DELETE said} GLANCED IN from the meeting room. “I’ve {DELETE got} GRABBED some food from the back room of the Café {DELETE up the street}. I suspect we’ll all feel better if we eat something.”
LINDA HOISTED HER PACK ONTO HER SHOULDERS. “I’ll go up and check on Maggie if you’ll please go eat something.” {DON’T KNOW WHO SAID THIS SO I MADE IT LINDA.}
Georgia stood up and retrieved her pack. “Come on {DELETE Mike – WHO IS THIS?} MARK, take a {DELETE break} BREATHER. {ADD PERIOD, MAKE THIS TWO SENTENCES} {DELETE COMMA , AND CAPITALIZE let’s} Let’s see what Nate scrounged up for us.”
Okay, personal edits somewhat. Take’em or leave’em. If you have other questions, contact me… we can talk, Sally.